I wish I could say I’m still crushing it – alas, I am not. This journey is so full of obstacles that somedays I just want to give up. So far it seems like this is about how it goes.
STEP ONE: Be really sad/mad/worried. Process grief.
STEP TWO: Figure out next steps and begin to move forward.
STEP THREE: Start to get cautiously optimistic that things are going to be okay.
STEP FOUR: Get really excited because it seems like things are finally happening.
STEP FIVE: Be devastated by another obstacle.
So yeah, super fun. This time the adoption seminar that I was OVER THE MOON excited for never happened. Yesterday, on a whim, I decided to call the agency to double check the time of our seminar (which was supposed to happen today). The confused person on the other end of the line informed me it had been cancelled due to lack of interest. UMMMM EXCUSE ME I WAS SO INTERESTED THAT I PAID OVER A THOUSAND DOLLARS TO BE THERE AND GOT ALL OF MY PAPERWORK DONE AND NO ONE CALLED ME TO TELL ME IT WAS CANCELLED. Turns out a clerical error meant we’d been slotted down for some other seminar in Calgary. Crap. Moreover, there wasn’t going to be another seminar that would work for us and they didn’t have other dates yet for 2018. Double Crap. I was shocked at how much this impacted me. My response was raw. I cried for hours. I was overwhelmed with disappointment, sadness, anger, fear, and frustration. Thank goodness I work with counsellors. Having my hopes dashed again somehow took me back to the first day that Joel and I found out that we were infertile. Also, the systems I now have to navigate make me so angry sometimes. While I 100% understand that mistakes happen, what is just one simple error to the people at this agency is a life-altering blow for me and Joel. It’s like this every step of the way. Every piece of information matter-of-factly passed on by doctors at the fertility clinic, or staff at the adoption agency, is so impactful to the person it’s being delivered to, yet sometimes it feels like we are simply a number, a paycheque, or worse yet, cattle. Nothing against cows.
In a fortuitous turn of events a different adoption agency I talked to months ago just happened to call me a few hours later because they are planning a seminar soon. Now I’m not one to believe in signs, but if that isn’t the universe telling me something I don’t know what is. I talked to a lovely gentleman for about 20 minutes about the agency and my concerns about being unable to pursue fertility and adoption at the same time (as per their policy). Later he had the director call me to discuss my situation further to figure out if this was actually the right step for us. After talking it over with Joel, we both agreed we didn’t feel comfortable moving forward with the agency that had mixed up our dates. While the mistake isn’t necessarily indicative of how things would be moving forward, starting our journey with shaky confidence probably isn’t a good idea. So we’ve made the switch and are starting over somewhere new. We have seminar dates squeezed into our already very busy month of July. This time though, I’m not filled with excitement and hope. Somehow I can’t shake the feeling of dread and the worries about all that could go wrong. I worry about what this means for our fertility treatment as well. While we may go ahead with a retrieval once it’s doctor approved, we have agreed not to do a transfer while we are going through the adoption process. There are lots of good reasons why they ask this. I understand these reasons and it also breaks my heart to no end. This journey is so much sacrifice and so much letting go of what we want. It’s so much giving up control and trying hard as heck to hang on to hope. It’s so much grief and defeat and getting back up again. It’s exhausting.